A coaching client of mine killed herself last week.



No —I’m not that bad of a coach.
Jokes aside, this really happened.


She was early-30s, a medical school graduate and working doctor who was a “success” by any societal measure (degrees, income, social status). She was going through a tough, long, not-amicable divorce (if your focus is money, and you want to always have work, become a divorce / custody attorney). She was friendly to everyone, and incapable of having a negative word pass through her lips.


We spent many hours on Zoom calls. I got to know her 6-year-old daughter.


My son turned 18 months old this past weekend. I can only imagine my son having to grow up without one of his parents.


This woman, my client, had postponed our last two calls.


Her message for the first postponement:



“Can we reschedule? Feeling really run down with this latest cold and divorce stuff.”



3 weeks later (after more ignored messages), I sent:



“Hellooooo… still alive?”



Her reply:


“Hey, yeah. Have been having a hard time with things. Can we pause for a bit?”


I replied with an 8-minute audio WhatsApp message.


The message, summarized:


I’m your coach. I’m hired help; you brought me here to help you get from where you are to where you’re going.


I know things are hard for you, and though I don’t know what your plans are as you navigate your divorce, you’ve entrusted me with things up to this point.


I need you to meet me halfway — 51% of the way, actually, as this is your stuff we’re dealing with — and let me help you.


The thing is, none of this help can occur if you don’t communicate with me and let me know what’s going on. I can help only to the extent that you’re transparent and honest with me.


If I happen to be one of the “changes” that comes with your divorce, that’s fine too — just communicate with me.


Tell me what’s going on and let’s work on this.


Hope to hear from you soon.


She listened to the message, but never replied.


That was our last communication.


I got a text Saturday afternoon that she’d died.


***



I’ve seen people go broke.
Seen people get physically beat up.
Lose careers, spouses, cars, houses, reputations.


It sucks.


But they can all be recovered from.


There’s no coming back from death.


I was at a birthday lunch for Anna’s birthday when I got the text about my client’s death. I left the table to make a phone call. When I came back, a friend at the table mentioned the large homeless population in Miami (who keeps getting shuffled around as more new developments move them out of their encampments).


“If I had to live like that, I’d rather die,” she said.


Understandable, I suppose, from our perspective.


But isn’t it interesting that those homeless people aren’t throwing themselves off bridges or in front of trains?


It’s the people who HAVE stuff who don’t want to live anymore.


***



Suicide, or its prevention, is not my area of expertise.


I tend to deal with mental stuff — Discipline, Confidence, Mental Toughness, Strategy, Accountability — that’s “closer to the surface,” so to speak.


Suicidal thoughts are deep water.


That said, had my client called and told me she was on the ledge, I know people who could’ve helped. I have friends who’ve worked on suicide prevention hotlines. I would’ve directed her to help.


But she never told me anything. She wouldn’t respond to my messages.


I sent her a copy of Thick Face, Black Heart by Chin-Ning Chu — my go-to mindset book for females — as a gift. She never acknowledged it.


And from what I’ve gathered from others who also knew her, she’d stopped replying to, engaging with and responding to everyone else.


Here’s the point in my messages where I’d usually tell you a neat and tidy “fix” for the problems shared in this message, then tell you to join Work On Your Game University to get help.


But I can’t do that for this one.


For one, I’m not the best person to help you if you’re suicidal.


Secondly, I’m not sure it is as “fixable” a problem as, say, a crappy sales funnel or booking a paid speaking gig.


What I will say:


1) Relationships matter.


A person who feels they have people that they can turn to, usually does turn to those people.
I’m not talking about Instagram followers or even people you’ve hired (though they may help). I’m talking about REAL FRIENDS, in real life.
We all need them.


2) Talk to someone.


We all have “shit” in our lives, and we all deal with it differently. Some internalize, transmute the energy, and come back changed. I’m in this category.
Others externalize, share, and get their energy from others. My client was this type.
She was the type of person to, while waiting 5 minutes for you in a hotel lobby, make friends with the front desk staff, bellman, maintenance, and have a guest offer a bed in their hotel room for the weekend.
But she was in so deep that even she stopped externalizing.




3) Reach out to your people.


Friends you haven’t talked to in some time.
Family members.
The “successful” person who seems to have all their shit together THE MOST might be the one who most needs to feel seen, heard and accepted, because no one ever thinks THEY could be the one who needs help.
You never know.


#WorkOnYourGame
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